Custody

Decide The Best Fit For Your Children: Will you be a PPR a PAR?

PPR stands for “Parent of Primary Residence.” PAR stands for “Parent of the Alternate Residence.” The custody arrangement will determine who will carry the PPR or PAR term. That is, unless you intend to have joint physical custody. When children reside with both parents equally, then the designations of PPR and PAR are not applicable.

The term legal custody refers to the right to make major decisions concerning a child’s health, education and welfare. You will need to decide how much physical and legal custody will be allocated to which parent.

Review the four basic custody definitions below, and then think about which is the best fit for your children. Make your choice and be prepared to discuss it during mediation with your spouse. When an agreement is reached, we can move on to the other parts of your Parenting Plan.

Basic Definitions of Custody Types*

1. Sole Custody — An award of custody to one parent with parenting/visitation rights to the noncustodial parent. The custodial parent retains exclusive authority and control regarding the education, medical care, religion, discipline and financial support of the child or children.

2. Joint Legal Custody — Both parents retain and share responsibility and authority for the care and control of the child or children. The sharing of that responsibility can traverse an entire spectrum, from casual cooperation to specifically delineated times and functions. In its broadest interpretation, joint legal custody has encompassed nearly all major responsibilities and opportunities that are relegated to custodians (e.g., medical, schooling, religion, etc.) except for day-to-day residence.

3. Joint Legal & Physical Custody — Joint Legal Custody plus the allocation of significant periods of time for the child or children with each parent. Variations for sharing physical custody can include freedom of movement between two homes, school year versus summer vacation with exchange weekends and nights, workday versus weekends, with special vacation periods, etc.

4. Split Custody — Awards one or more of the children to one parent and the other child or remaining children to the alternate parent. Parents and courts considering the split custody alternative will wish to weigh carefully the wisdom and necessity of assuring that the children do or do not have significant tie together with their siblings.

*Source of definitions: James Cooke, President, Joint Custody Association

For your convenience, you can download the above custody definitions and keep them for your records.

Note your choice of a custody arrangement and bring the document with you to your mediation session:

ADDITIONAL CUSTODY INFORMATION:

Do you and your spouse agree on custody?

If you and your spouse agree, then your joint decision will form the basis for all other parts of your Parenting Plan.

However, if the two of you do not initially agree on a custody arrangement, then you both will have equal opportunity during mediation to present reasons for your preferred choice, while your mediator will direct your negotiations, until a final decision is agreed upon.

If no agreement is in sight, then your mediator will generate options for you to consider and further discuss. In the event of a standoff regarding your custody arrangement, you may need to consult with your attorneys and/or leave the final decision up to a judge in court.

How does a judge decide a custody case?

When a couple cannot come to an agreement on custody, a judge considers what is in the best interest of the child or children. Factors include a child’s physical health and safety, emotional well-being, parents’ co-parenting skills and willingness, and practical concerns.

Child Support

In case you’re thinking ahead, child support forms and guidelines can be found in the Child Support tab. Due to their rather complex nature, they deserve a section of their own. After you have completed the Parenting Plan phase of your divorce mediation, download them for free. Then study them. Carefully.

Weekly Schedule

Be A Planner

Are you accustomed to following a strict routine? Or are you typically flexible and go with the flow of where life leads you?

Well, when you are negotiating your children’s schedule, you and your spouse need to be planners and address the matters of who has responsibility for whom and on which days of which weeks out of the month.

Get a weekly planner. Or make one of your own. Use blank squares for the days and four weeks for a typical month. Then, start developing a regular schedule for parenting time. Chart out your preferences for which days will be yours and which will be your spouse’s. During mediation, you will discuss the details and make compromises, as appropriate.

For your convenience, a blank planner is ready for you to download and create your proposed weekly schedule for your records. Bring it with you to your mediation session:

Special Note: For an electronic means of synchronizing your calendars, try an app, such as “OurFamilyWizard.com” or other similar app available on the market.

Popular Schedule for 50/50 Custody

If you have agreed to shared custody with equal time with your children, a popular weekly schedule is the 2-2-3 arrangement. That is, on alternate weeks, you each have the children for two days on, then two days off, then a three day weekend on.

You could also consider one week on, one week off. Or two weeks on, two weeks off. With either of these arrangements, you could consider a mid-week dinner with the alternate parent, so that the children stay in regular face-to-face contact.

Whichever arrangement you decide, it must be in the best interest of the children. Also note that the state of New Jersey requires that each home must have room(s) for the children.

Holidays, Birthdays and Vacations: Will You Be Odd Or Even?

Now that you’ve taken the time to carve out a regular Weekly Schedule, you now need to consider how it will be altered slightly, due to holidays, birthdays and vacations.

First, list out all the holidays for a year and block out time for birthdays and vacations (including school breaks). Next, decide which parent will have parenting time for which of these special days when the Weekly Schedule is altered.

You may also decide which parent will have even-numbered of years, and which parent will have odd-numbered of years. That way, both parents will have opportunity to celebrate all special days with the children (or child) over a two-year period.

For your convenience, a blank chart is ready for you to download and complete for your records. Bring the document with you to your mediation session:

Transportation

Who’s Turn Is It To Drive?

Pick ups and deliveries. That’s what you need to decide. Will you pick up your children when your parenting time starts? Or deliver them to their other parent when your parenting time is over? Or will you agree to take on both responsibilities?

You will also need to agree on designated drivers who may take your place in transportation responsibilities.

Education

Same School Or New School?

“In the best interest of the children (or child)” is often interpreted as maintaining a semblance of schedules, routines and order to the extent possible. That means you and your spouse need to seriously consider the effect of moving to new homes. Will such moves necessitate a change of schools, which will require a transitional period of adjustment to new surroundings, classmates and teachers?

If your children are in a private school, your Monthly Budgets, Child Support and perhaps your Division of Assets phases of your divorce mediation may help determine if your children will continue in the same school or need to transfer to a new one.

Post-secondary Education

With regard to post-secondary education: Please refer to the forms and guidelines you can download in the Child Support section.

Healthcare

Doctor Visits? Tell Your Spouse.

While the matter of health insurance will be addressed in the Child Support section, you need to consider who will be responsible for assuring the physical and mental health of your children.

That is, who will arrange for appointments with doctors, psychologists, dentists and other health professionals?

You need to agree on how you will communication when an emergency arises, health issues develop or any other factor that effects your children’s well-being, and to do so in a timely manner.

Other Issues

To some couples, religion is a non-issue, relocation is not planned, and communication by phone, text or email is as natural as breathing. However, if you and/or your spouse have strong views on any of these topics, you may need to negotiate the details during your mediation sessions. You may also present special topics in addition to the ones that follow.

Religion

Are the children currently enrolled in a religious school or take part in a religious community? Do you or your spouse want them to be? What are your preferences with regard to religion? State your intentions and plans for your children. Do you anticipate objections from your spouse? You will need to raise the topic, discuss it and find agreement through mediation. The outcome will become recorded in your divorce agreement.

Relocation

What arrangement would you like to establish if your spouse moves “far away” after your divorce? How would you define, “far away?” How many miles between your two homes would be acceptable and unacceptable? Moreover, what plan would you like to have in place if you or your spouse wish to move out of state for reasons such as a job, a new marriage, or perhaps to be closer to relatives? Most importantly, how would any type of long distance relocation impact your Weekly Schedule, Holidays, Birthdays & Vacations, and transportation of your children?

Communication

Communication between parents may be required and expected to report or discuss your children’s health, education, schedule, and other aspects of your Parenting Plan. But what forms of communication will be acceptable and unacceptable? Phone calls, texts, emails or letters? And what restrictions, if any, would you like to put in place between your children and their other parent? For example, would there be a time limit placed on communication, so that they do not occur late at night? Can you specify a time? Or would you like for your children to have open communication with their other parent with no restrictions as to form or time?

Your Special Topics

You are free to suggest and outline topics that are particular to your ideas, values and plans. Outline them and present them during your mediation sessions. Remember, you and your spouse are working on creating the next chapter of your lives — and you are doing so in a way that is cooperative and productive. So, do not be frivolous in your suggestions or contentious in your intentions. If you have an additional topic to introduce, make certain it serves “the best interest of the children.”

Future Changes

Life Has A Habit Of Changing

It is advisable for you to revisit your Parenting Plan every two years.

Through your divorce mediation sessions, you will be building an agreement that will become legal and, therefore, maintained and respected by both parties.

However, life has a way of changing. Kids grow up. Jobs change. Remarriages happen. Health can take a downward turn.

Accordingly, it is possible that your needs change, too. When issues arise that will impact any of the many parts of you Parenting Plan, you would be wise to stipulate what will happen when you need to revise its terms. You could agree to re-visit mediation as a first step in resolving any disputes, as opposed to going directly to litigating the matter in court. It is far better and less costly to take the initial step of negotiating between the two of you under the careful eyes and ears of a mediator, whether you are creating your original divorce agreement or its amendment.

“Let’s focus on your future.”

—Barbara L. Leiding, NJAPM, Divorce Mediator